We all have things we want in a partner. Maybe you prefer someone tall, successful, adventurous, outgoing, or interested in golfing as much as you are. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you like. But….

The problem starts when a preference turns into an absolute requirement, aka a deal breaker. Let’s break down the definitions so there isn’t confusion.

A deal breaker is something that would make a healthy relationship difficult or impossible. Maybe you want children and they don’t. Your core values don’t align. They’re dishonest, disrespectful, emotionally unavailable, or simply not looking for the same kind of relationship.

A preference, on the other hand, is different. It’s something you would like to have, but don’t necessarily need in order to build a healthy partnership. Height, career, style, shared hobbies, or fitting your usual physical “type” can all fall into this category.

In my TEDx talk, I shared the example of a client who wanted someone kind, emotionally available, and family-oriented. Then she added another requirement: no one under six feet tall. Only about 14 percent of men in North America are six feet or taller. Once you remove the ones already partnered, her dating pool gets even smaller.

And this isn’t really about height. Replace height with income, status, looks, career, or any other quality that has moved from “nice to have” to “must have,” and you can end up eliminating people who might actually make great partners.

We tend to focus heavily on what I call the “shiny qualities”, the things that grab our attention quickly and look good on paper. But those qualities don’t necessarily tell you how someone will show up in a relationship.

The quieter qualities often tell you much more. Are they consistent? Do you feel appreciated? Can you work through conflict together? Are they kind when life gets difficult? Do they continue to show up after the initial excitement wears off?

Being selective in dating is healthy. 

This isn’t about lowering your standards. It’s about making sure your standards are focused on the things that actually matter.

So the next time you’re about to write someone off, ask yourself: Is this truly a deal breaker, or is it simply a preference?

Sometimes the person who could be right for you doesn’t arrive in the exact package you imagined.