I’m sitting at my favorite café sipping a latte while staring at my phone. Three dots appear, then disappear. My thumb hovers over the keyboard as I resist the urge to send another message. After years of being the one to always reach out first, plan the gatherings, and keep relationships alive, I’m finally learning to sit with the uncomfortable silence.

Let me paint you a picture of my former self:

I was that friend who organized every birthday celebration, sent thoughtful care packages, and adjusted my schedule to make plans convenient for everyone else’s busy lives.

That girlfriend who packed lunches with little love notes, planned surprise dates, and prioritize my boyfriend’s needs and preferences first.

I wore my “giver” badge with pride, thinking it made me a better friend, partner, and person.

But here’s what I didn’t realize: by constantly giving 90% – always initiating, taking the lead, making the effort – I was only leaving 10% for others to give back.

I was so uncomfortable with the space in between that I never gave people a chance to step up.

How your attachment style can cause you to over-give

What I didn’t know then was that this behavior has deeper roots. According to behavioral scientists, over-giving is often linked to attachment styles formed in childhood.

Research shows that when children learn they’ll receive love or validation only if they earn it, they develop an “overachiever” pattern that extends into their adult relationships.

They adapt by becoming overly useful in order to be loved, constantly doing more to prove their worth. This might explain why I felt such a strong compulsion to always be the one giving, planning, and initiating – it was my unconscious way of trying to secure love and connection.

Overgiving in friendships

So I decided to conduct an experiment. For three months, I would stop being the initiator, the glue, the one who always made things happen. The results? Some people disappeared entirely. Others took weeks to reach out. A few stepped up in ways that surprised me.

It was uncomfortable. There were moments when my fingers itched to send that text, to make those plans, to fill that silence. But sitting with that discomfort taught me something valuable: the disappearances weren’t failures – they were data.

Data that helped me make clear-eyed decisions about which relationships were one-sided and which ones were worth my continued investment.

Even in romantic relationship, I still practice creating space. When I feel the urge to over-function – to plan every date, to over-accommodate, to fill every silence – I pause.

I remind myself that by doing less, I’m actually giving my partner the opportunity to do more. It’s a delicate dance of giving and receiving, of doing and being.

Receiving is an act of giving (when you’re with the right people)

I’m learning that true giving isn’t about quantity – it’s about quality and reciprocity. It’s about creating space for others to show up and contribute to the relationship. Sometimes, the most generous thing we can do is step back and allow others to step forward.

I’m still a giver at heart – I’m just becoming a wiser one. One who understands that healthy relationships need room for both parties to give and receive. One who knows that sometimes, doing less actually creates space for more.

Giving from the right place

So here I am, a recovering over-giver, learning to find peace in the pauses and wisdom in the waiting. It’s not always comfortable, but growth rarely is.

Are you an over-giver too? Maybe it’s time to ask yourself: what might happen if you created a little more space for others to show up in your relationships?