Rebound after a breakup? Watch out for this…

If you decide to date immediately after your breakup or divorce – watch out for this.

A lot of my clients who don’t take the time to heal after their separation tend to dive into a relationship with someone who is the complete opposite of their ex.

They find someone that represents everything they didn’t get in their last relationship. 

For instance, my client Peter (name has been changed for privacy), was married to someone who was stable and responsible. The passion died after over two decades together, and after the kids moved out, he found the marriage boring. After their divorce, he jumped into a relationship with someone who was carefree, wild, and unpredictable.

My other client, Melanie, left a chaotic relationship with an addict. After the breakup, she began dating someone she didn’t really respect. He was passive and never challenged her. But she felt safe because he put her on a pedestal. 

Going from one extreme to another, triggered a repressed side that had been dormant. John felt alive. Melanie felt a sense of security. 

Both are examples of swinging from one side of the pendulum to the other. Both rebounds eventually crashed.

There are always tradeoffs…

It can feel exhilarating in the first few months with a rebound. It’s intense because it’s such a new experience in contrast to the past. But…

After a period of time, the tradeoffs of these qualities start to show up. The rebound can often be a reaction to a deficit. Instead of getting curious about that ‘missing piece’ and healing it from the inside, you get it filled from the outside.

This is bringing your baggage into the future.

But be aware that when you go for extremes, it’s usually a defense mechanism. Of course, not every relationship after a breakup is a rebound relationship. The key is to not use someone else to avoid dealing with your pain.

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